Feedback: on The Science of Focus (Part II)

After my posting, I had a chance to speak w/ Jae Choi Sensei.

He made me to realize that it may not be the 'desire' not to waste my energy (or fear), but it may be the "belief" on percentage of success that could make me to hesitate.

For example, he asked me, "would you be happy if you were to make the perfect attack every time but you are so tired after each attack?" My response was "yes." He then asked, "then, would you still attack even if you were so tired after each attack?" I said yes b/c I think it's still worth it and that drive to have another successful attack will prevail my physical fatigue.

He then asked, "then, would you be happy if you were to have 1 successful attack out of 100 attacks?" I said "probably not" b/c I'll be disappointed for the 99 attacks for my wasted energy.

He then pointed out, "you're willing to accept your fatigue if you know your attack will be successful, but you hesitate to attack b/c you fear that you'll feel fatigue when your chance of success is little. Then, the very factor that binds you from attacking (making you to hesitate) is not the fatigue (or the anticipation for fatigue) itself, but it's your 'belief' that's already in your mind that your chance of success will be little."

In other words, when you face your opponent, you "believe" that your attack will have very little chance of success, thus you already hesitate. If you "know" for sure that your attack will be successful, then you were willing to accept that fatigue each time. But, since you already "believe" that you have very little chance of success, the moment you Kamae, you hesitate.

He finally asked me to ponder upon 'what I know' v. 'what I believe.'

Although I was somewhat confused at the time, after thinking about it for several days, I thought there was some good truth to it. I helped me to look deeper w/in the cause of my hesitation (not the fatigue itself but my belief that I will have very little chance of successful attack) and led me to one of the fundamental truth: "What you believe to be is who you are."

P.s. I don't know if I quoted correctly, but I've heard many wisdoms along that line. "If you believe in it, then you will be able to do it." So many times, we brainwash ourselves that, even before we try something, we're no good at it. That's why, many people/things in this world, try so hard to suppress our own belief about ourselves so that they can prevail over us. (Ex. bullies at fight, big sized animal v. small sized animal, etc.)

The Science of Fear: Part III

One advice from Desmond Senpai was to watch Jae Choi Sensei b/c "he doesn't seem to care whether he gets hit or not but he only focuses on making his attack."

I would interpret this as that Jae Choi Sensei's mind is only focused on making that perfect attack that nothing else matters. If your mind is only filled w/ (occupied w/) making the perfect attack, other thoughts/desires will diminish.

He may lose, get hit, or his attack may be unsuccessful. But, to him, that will not matter b/c, until he makes that perfect attack. His mind will not cease nor be hindered from making that perfect attack. Every single thought or his instincts are solely focused on making that perfect kendo attack (proper and valid), that nothing else would matter.

That means, one solution to fear would be: FOCUS.

Then, my next question would be..'What do I focus on?'

P.s. I tried to interpret D. Senpai's advice and analyze J. Sensei's thought process in my own terms. This is solely my own analysis and maybe differ from their true intentions/thoughts.

The Science of Fear: Part II

After the conversation w/ Desmond Senpai, I started to really ask myself:

'What do I fear so that I cannot move forward?'

1. When I face the opponent (usu. higher rank or better skilled kenshi), I don't see any opening.

2. Then, I want to just stand there to look for an opening - the perfect chance that will guarantee me that my attack will be successful.

a. At that moment, this strong fear/desire (?) kicks into my heart: I DON'T WANT TO WASTE MY ENERGY.

I've realized that it's not the fear of losing (I've done it plenty) nor getting hit (I've gotten it plenty). I'd gladly accept them both (especially from people who are better than me -- even from those who are younger or lower rank than me) b/c I would learn from them.

b. But, I hate the feeling right after the unsuccessful attack that my energy was wasted on an unsuccessful effort; that now, I have less energy to fight with and I still have to go on. I hate that disappointment and I hate that feeling of wasted energy. I hate the feeling of weakness after the wasted energy.

3. However, (unless the opponent is less skillful than I am) that perfect chance never comes. And, all the sudden, the opponent steps forward. Our distance gets closer, and he/she's within the one-step strike zone. Now, I feel pressured to either move backward or attack (regardless of whether I'm ready or not).

4. My natural tendency is to step backward b/c I don't want to attack when I'm not ready. But, I've been taught "not to back up." So, my desire (to back up) and my thought (do not back up) start to conflict w/in me.

5. I'd say it's 50-50. Half of the time, I back up and the other half, I just attack. It also depends on my physical condition at the time too. If I'm too tired, I would back up. If I'm energetic, I would attack. But, either way, I'm moved by the opponent's pressure (Seme). I'm moved at the opponent's time (not on my time).

I've looked into my fear. So, now, what do I do to overcome this?

The Science of Fear: Part I

Wow! It's been such a long time since I wrote my last blog entry.

On this Wed. practice, Jae Choi Sensei came and practiced w/ us. (I didn't practice but only observed)

After the practice, Desmond Senpai called on me and said that (knowing my Kendo and some areas that I struggle w/) I should watch and learn from Jae Choi Sensei's Kendo. He explained that one of my problems in Kendo is that I hesitate alot. But, he said that Jae Choi Sensei seems that he never hesitate and only focuses on going for his target. Desmond Senpai said that it's as if J. Choi Sensei doesn't even care about getting hit or failing his attempt to attack.

D. Senpai said that when he observed my Kendo, he feels that I hesitate alot b/c I think alot. So, observing J. Choi Sensei's Kendo would help me.

I took that advice to my heart, especially now that J. Choi Sensei will come to the practice more often!