'What do I fear so that I cannot move forward?'
1. When I face the opponent (usu. higher rank or better skilled kenshi), I don't see any opening.
2. Then, I want to just stand there to look for an opening - the perfect chance that will guarantee me that my attack will be successful.
a. At that moment, this strong fear/desire (?) kicks into my heart: I DON'T WANT TO WASTE MY ENERGY.
I've realized that it's not the fear of losing (I've done it plenty) nor getting hit (I've gotten it plenty). I'd gladly accept them both (especially from people who are better than me -- even from those who are younger or lower rank than me) b/c I would learn from them.
b. But, I hate the feeling right after the unsuccessful attack that my energy was wasted on an unsuccessful effort; that now, I have less energy to fight with and I still have to go on. I hate that disappointment and I hate that feeling of wasted energy. I hate the feeling of weakness after the wasted energy.
3. However, (unless the opponent is less skillful than I am) that perfect chance never comes. And, all the sudden, the opponent steps forward. Our distance gets closer, and he/she's within the one-step strike zone. Now, I feel pressured to either move backward or attack (regardless of whether I'm ready or not).
4. My natural tendency is to step backward b/c I don't want to attack when I'm not ready. But, I've been taught "not to back up." So, my desire (to back up) and my thought (do not back up) start to conflict w/in me.
5. I'd say it's 50-50. Half of the time, I back up and the other half, I just attack. It also depends on my physical condition at the time too. If I'm too tired, I would back up. If I'm energetic, I would attack. But, either way, I'm moved by the opponent's pressure (Seme). I'm moved at the opponent's time (not on my time).
I've looked into my fear. So, now, what do I do to overcome this?
3 comments:
Wow! You not only described yoru own issues, you described mine perfectly!!! I've always knew subconciously what makes me hesitate, but you articulated it for me like I could never! :)
Thanks Kiju! Please keep writing your insightful blog for all our benefit :)
Charlie
Thanks Charlie! It's very encouraging to hear that. I'll do my best, and please feel free to add or put your own comments as well!
Mr. Park,
Remember the concept of "mushin" or no mind. Musashi referred to it in the Five Rings many times. You practice the same thing over and over, so your automatic reactions take over. Kendo becomes like a reflex, bypassing the nerve pathways to the brain and back. Too much time, too much opportunity for error, too much time for your opponent to strike. Practice with no mind, no thinking just action and reaction.
B.Olson
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